Modern Masculinity
Why it doesn't really exist.
Don’t search for “modern masculinity” on Google.
You’re not going to find anything bad, exactly; you’re just going to find a complete and utter absence of anything remotely useful.
There’s advice for men to be more sensitive; for men to be more inclusive; for men to “rethink” masculinity.
There’s never any attempt to define what a “man” even is, and then to work on, logically, from there. And in a nutshell, that’s the problem.
Without a clear definition, modern perceptions of manhood and manliness fall short. We can critique earlier definitions of manliness, with varying degrees of validity. But at least those conceptions benefited from a shared perception of what manliness was and should be. And while that shared perception varied from culture to culture, and from time to time, something like “masculinity” existed.
You’ll find none of that today. In fact, there’s only one point of agreement, as near as I can tell; that “masculinity,” whatever it is, is broken.
Sadly, I agree. But not for the same reasons that most of the commentators do.
A Man Without A Cause
Modern masculinity is broken because it has no self-definition. Moving a step further, modern masculinity can’t measure itself by an agreed-upon moral standard. We’ve lost religion, so there’s no sense in appealing to the church. But the state doesn’t dare support any firm ideals of its own, and civic society fails on the same points. There no pervasive culture; no “The Northman”-like honour culture, whereby a man’s actions can be judged to be worthy or not according to his upholding of his family’s name, no Wild West stubborn independence or British stiff-upper-lip imperialism.
Again, those definitions of masculinity each carry their own baggage. I’m not interested in defending them per se - just making the point that they stand and fall as clearly-defined archetypes of masculinity.
Today, each man is left to carve his own path, set his own standards, and define his own success. On the surface, that would seem to fit in well with an American Dream kind of masculinity. Define yourself! Be what you want to be!
But two problems instantly emerge.
The Dangers of Going Solo
First, while modern culture can’t agree at all on what modern masculinity is, it is nearly unified on what it is not. It is not traditional; it is not religious; it doesn’t hold too closely to any past ideals. Therefore, if you attempt to define yourself according to an older standard, you are instantly cast aside.
Second, clarity and certainty are ideals held high in esteem, but low in practice. Most men - myself included - know all too well the ragged edge of crippling self-doubt. What kind of man even am I? Am I man? Can I claim that title? Or am I falling short of the standard - even if I’m not too sure what that standard is.
Faced with no clear definition and beset by self-doubt, most men seem to respond in two ways:
Doubt, depression, crippling anxiety
Escapism
Both are astonishingly powerful forces in modern masculinity, with devastating side-effects.
Depression and anxiety? Note the recent explosion in male suicide rates; the devasting pandemic of male depression; and the overall sense that something is working against men - society, perhaps, or life itself. There’s a reason nearly 40,000 men took their own lives in 2022 - compared with only 10,000 women who did the same.
And escapism isn’t much better. That way lies addiction - to porn, drugs, alcohol, video games, mom’s basement as a 30-year-old.
I won’t dive into the stats for either response right now; that’s a tale for another newsletter. It’s enough for now to note that those are, I believe, the broadest categories of response to a situation in which most men aren’t told, clearly, how to live.
Case In Point
To illustrate, let’s take a (positive) hypothetical and a (negative) real-world example.
You have a girlfriend or spouse - a significant other of the female variety. It’s date night, and you say, “So where do you want to eat?”
She says, “I don’t know!”
An experienced man knows that this, my friends, is an Ackbar-level trap. It’s your job to know and decide, or, (more likely) to get her to figure out what she wants to eat - and then go there.
But anyone not wise in the ways of women might make the mistake of NOT picking the right place. And in the inevitable argument that follows, he’ll say, “I wish you’d just told me!”
There’s a lot of guys in the world right now going, “I wish you’d just told me!”
The problem is that the western world, in particular, doesn’t seem very interested in telling men much of anything.
Other than that they have, indeed, chosen the wrong restaurant.
Hypotheticals aside, consider Andrew Tate as a real-world example. Or barring him, just take any number of ultra-masculine, deeply flawed characters who preach a gospel of sheer, unadulterated masculine strength and aggression. The world’s against you? Fine. Time for war!
Take the money, take the women, take what you want.
And boom - Tate and others garner millions of views, with a very real resonance among men struggling with escapism or depression. He’s a way out - if a dangerous one.
So what to do? Or, in the parlance of one of those voices- wat means?
Avoid escapism. Hard drugs are obviously destructive - but hedonistic pursuits and half a day spent video gaming carry their own negative side effects. Escapism puts off your problems till another day; enough of that! Tackle them now.
Don’t fall into depression. I know - if only it were that easy! But there is hope for men, and there is a chance to live a masculine, fulfilling life. It’ll take some fighting, though, so be prepared!
Action Steps:
Each week, I want to include one tip or trick that works for me. Please note - I’m not perfect, and I don’t do these things perfectly. But they’re action points that you can do right now, and I’ll guarantee they’ll make you a slightly better man than you were before.
Iteration, remember?
Action Point: Control Your Screentime.
Ironic, given that you’re reading this on a screen. But if you can control your screentime - and by “control”, I mean “reduce” - you’ll see an improvement. Reduce the noise, and you’ll likely find you’ve cleared up the signal.
I mean that across the board, too - a bit less time on video games, fewer Netflix binges, reduce the doomscrolling on X.
But one small exception, of course - please do tell someone else about this newsletter. And if you’ve got questions or problems, let me know - I’d love to hear them.